@eleniZarro

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

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@NicCageMatch

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

@bingowings14

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

@MediocreMamaa

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@liljonlovitz

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@MissHavisham

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”