Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Catercrombie & Fish
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
$4 #usedbooks
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom