Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
relationship goals
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]