Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
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One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it鈥檚 dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what鈥檚 one rune reading among friends?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son鈥檚 diaper please.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can鈥檛 explain it.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.