Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them