AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
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elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Can’t. Being lazy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.