Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁


I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.


there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them


[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.


Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.


Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.


My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.



“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon


If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.