@topaz_kell

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

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@GrantTanaka

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

@yoyoha

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

@RdrJay47

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@iGreenGod

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@DanMentos

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

@BKLYNBeeyotch

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.