Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.