“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”