america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.