AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
tell em, edith-anne
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
That’s amazing.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens