America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
You Might Also Like
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Here’s a meme
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary