America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED


Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.


is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?


co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”


Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.


Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.


A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!


i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.


Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.