America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.