America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?