America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
oh my god
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope