@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

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@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

@obviouseyes

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

@Gupton68

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@Darlainky

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

@dog_feelings

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

@KevinBuffalo

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.