America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
What the hell happened here.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
This is my brand.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils