america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
You Might Also Like
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
this post was so formative to me
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE