America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
You Might Also Like
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds