America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Noted.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.