AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.