American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
You Might Also Like
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete