American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.