american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
that wasn’t the question
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch