Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away