American Horror Story: Public Restroom
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”