American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The Struggle
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.