American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.


[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn


Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.


Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.


*scrawls note on deserted isle*
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*


“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”


I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.


Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.


When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.