@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

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@bourgeoisalien

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

@Reverend_Scott

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

@justabloodygame

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

@TheAlexNevil

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@adrianmyreality

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.