@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

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@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@daddygofish

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

@TadKhosa

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

@anotherbecky429

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

@rasm69

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@HatfieldAnne

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@Thynebear

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe