Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe