American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Breaking news:
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
(by @ZachWeiner )
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.