Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party