Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what