Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
FINE, I WON’T.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”