Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?