[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright