“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now