@SexySpainNights

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

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@reallifemommy3

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@reallifemommy3

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

@bboven

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

@mattgallo123

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

@mommajessiec

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

@Brentweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

@TheWoodenslurpy

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?