Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

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Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time


There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.


If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink


The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.


“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.


*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket


Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.


San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible


[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?