Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
This kid will have a bright future.
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Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.