Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away