[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what