AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.