[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
A family that plays together cheats.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.