[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.