Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.