An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.