An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
You Might Also Like
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?