An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars