An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.