An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*