@capnwatsisname

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

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@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@stevevsninjas

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@clindsaysway

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

@shadygrenade

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

@ColoradoUgly

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

@shopkins776

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?