An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.