An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You Might Also Like
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*