[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Extremely relatable.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard