An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”